Now that things are settling in, physically and Mentally, the real reality is officially here.
The first month was me acting like a deer in headlights. The second month I became a fighter and screw you cancer, I am taking you down! The third month - I am tired, slightly depressed and never want to get out of bed or off the couch. Hello amazon prime and every other show known to man. Just finished Mozart in the Jungle . . . so good. lol
I wake up every morning and think about a plug that is saving this boat I am in from sinking. The plug aka pills. There is this nervousness of what happens if I don't take these pills for the rest of my life and what if I become immune to them - like 50 percent of other ALK cancer patients - that is always on my brain. Thankfully there are other pills. But the reality is that this Mama will be on pills for a long time and, I have heard, the rest of my life. So far I hear I have a good 7-10 years of life by the people I have met that have the same cancer I have.
Pills.
This sleepy, numb, anti-social, depressed feeling is from lung cancer and also the pills I take everyday. Yay. I get to live but feel like this. #lifechange. So I contacted the Drs today to see if they can put me on more pills hoping the new pills can cheer me up a bit or feel more energy. Pills. Pills. Pills . . . ugh. Did I mention I HATE TAKING PILLS! As I type this post I want to backspace a lot here and delete most of what I have written as I am not one to complain, but hey, this is a blog about me and this is supposed to help.
I have 15 minutes until 3 wild little peanuts get off the bus demanding help with homework, dinner I hope they will eat then the usual baths, brush teeth, pjs, reading, the daily fights of no electronics and then my little one who begs me for candy right before bed time as she knows I am weak and I give in, so I do. Then I clean house and THEN I have a date with my new show I just started 13 Reasons Why. Holy crap - this show. This is real high school? #terrified. I need to be a better Mom so my kids are extra nice and don't commit suicide. I'm only on the 2nd one. I have it good right now with them all in elementary school. Things could be worse, but I need to get stronger and have more energy for the future to come as candy fights are way easier then real high school issues. Eek!
Rant is over today. Thanks for reading. PM me if you are on an anti depressant - mums the word, I just want to know which ones are good out there.
Love and light . . .
Alix
PS - pills