Good Morning. I sit here in my very clean home (what happens when I am not working) awake with the dogs and the cat while drinking my delicious tea (totally not . . . taste like sweet warm dirt with a little bit of grass added to it - Chaga and Moringa) and I can't help to think about how I just want to feel normal. Back to my old self. But, my old self is why I am here. Hence, we have a struggle.
I have been having crazy-rediculous dreams every night. I think my magic pills must be working hard at night so my brain is too. Vivid, old story dreams of when I was a young child and teen. I wake up in panics, sweating and then wide awake thinking about what I want to voice on the blog. (great outlet)
It has only been 7 weeks since I was diagnosed, 4 months of feeling like death and a few days since I found out the tumor is shrinking and all I can think about it is getting back to normal: the daily grind of yummy coffee, getting to work (across my lawn), advertising, uploading, social media for work, clients, shooting shoots, kids homework, laundry, dinner and pass out to a netflix show. Repeat.
So . . . I went to a party last night. Woo hoo! I stayed an hour. Drank my allotted 1 glass of red wine and eyeballed the food. I went mostly for the deviled eggs as they are filling and almost vegan. Delish. And then felt guilty when I went in for a celery stick buffalo chicken dip dunk. "Do you want Cancer to stay or go?" my little person sitting on my right side of my shoulder yelled. OR "do you want to make changes- and be a good little big girl?" my left side of my shoulder person whispered. Ugh. Decisions decisions.
In all the books I have been reading, or as I like to call them - sexy cancer novels, with cancer being Mr. Grey - they all say sugar feeds cancer and so does negative energy, anger and sadness. Many people that cure their cancer find out it comes back unless they truly change their lives, diet and thoughts. So this is the true test of my strength. To not be normal but to be different, truly. I have a whole lot to live for. A lot. #mustchange
I have realized that once you have cancer you are forever changed. Kind of like puberty (yep . . . this is the only analogy I could come up with). Puberty/Cancer changes you - inside and out and you can't ever go back. Well . . . puberty might not always be on your mind every day like cancer is but memories of being a child and thoughts of the way life used to be . . . is. And that is how I see it.
I am really looking forward to the day that this new life becomes the normal and I am drinking lemonade everyday (with honey) with friends by my side and a manageable work flow. Oh . . . and for all the socks to match up when I do laundry.
Much love and light.